Hecklers suck

One thing that any performer is likely to deal with at some point is hecklers.

Muppets notwithstanding, hecklers suck. Let's just sit with that for a moment. Hecklers suck.

We've had our share. We've been heckled about our car, our set list, just general heckling while we're performing - I've even had people come up to me on a break or after we're done to say something biting. In his solo days, Johnny had a guy put his heckle in a note that he put on stage so Johnny would think it was a request. Good job - you did it. You said something shitty.

Aw, Bill - not you, too!

The shout-out heckling is usually from some drunk who thinks that cutting the band down to size will let everyone know how much cooler and superior to us he is. (Fail.)

The personal attacks are just a mystery to me. I'm not sure why someone feels compelled to be a dick for no apparent reason. But the lesson for would-be hecklers is this: I have yet to ever see the heckler rewarded with pats on the back and free beers from the crowd. Basically, you just look like a douche.

So, don't heckle. Ever. Even if the band, comedian, dancer, etc. isn't that good, just don't. It doesn't make you look cool and embarrass the performer - okay, it might embarrass the performer, but mostly it just makes you look like an ass. That person is putting their self out there. They're trying.

Maybe they sound like an angry cat, aren't funny or look epileptic, but at least they're up there giving it a shot. You don't have to tip. You don't have to clap. If it's not good, you don't have to pretend it is. But don't heckle.

That said, as a performer, you've got to grow a thick skin and learn how to handle hecklers. There are a basically two options:

• You can ignore them. Sometimes they give up and or their friends tire of their antics and tell them to shut the fuck up. But sometimes not.


• Or you can engage them. This can mean you get mad and fight with them from the stage (not recommended). Or you can cry (again, not recommended). Or you can acknowledge them (which is what they really want) but do your best to diffuse the negative energy - either with jokes or by just being good natured. 

Johnny usually uses to "engage and diffuse" method, and it seems to work as well as anything. Sometimes he wins over the heckler; sometimes the crowd decides they like us and turns on the heckler, which usually shuts them down; and sometimes they just give up. As I said, hecklers are often drunk and don't have much stamina, so that works to your advantage.

The up side is occasionally hecklers give you a good story or at least an inside joke. This happened to us back in the early days of our band.

When we were performing as Johnny Austin, we played a 6th Street bar called Friends several times. One night there was this old guy who was seriously drunk, much too early in the evening, and he started in on us before we played a note.

He yelled at us while we were setting up that we were taking too long. That was annoying and we weren't looking forward to playing with this guy in the house. But then when we were tuning up and sound-checking, he began to moan, "Aw, c'mon guys! Is that all you've got?" Something about that cracked us up. "Um...no. There's more."

Once we got amused, it actually went pretty well. We started our set, and he grimaced at us and waved us off and made unimpressed noises - and drank more. Johnny engaged him, asking his name (I think it was Dennis?), and he'd tell him, "This one's for you, Dennis!" and Dennis would act disgusted.

The crowd laughed, we laughed, but eventually the bar escorted him out. Seems it wasn't the first time Dennis had imbibed a bit too much and harangued the band.

But to this day, when any kind of heckler starts on us, we just say to each other, "Aw, c'mon guys! Is that all you've got?" and it makes us laugh. So, thanks, Dennis. You've probably got a terrible substance abuse problem, but you've got a square on our band quilt.